Ghosts That Haunt Me

Like unwanted visitors appearing in my dreams,

waking me in the earliest hours of morning.

Memories of footsteps or voices or trauma.

Flashbacks of moments long and forcibly forgotten

haunt me like glowing eyes in the dark.

A fist raised in anger like the burning of my skin

when the hair rises on the back of my neck in your presence.

Reaching through your soulless being

in a selfish attempt to grasp and devour what’s left of me.

My light will not be dimmed under the shadow of your darkness.

I will not be dragged to hell by your cold, heartless hands.

I refuse to fear you.

Your hollowness cannot consume my wholeness,

even the best attempts have failed.

I command this space to remain holy

and demand you never return.

I’ve shut the door and denied you entry.

You do not belong nor are you welcome here any more.

Go away. Go away from me.

You are nothing to me but empty, lifeless, gone.

I’ve fought near to the death against your chaos and certain destruction.

I’ve treaded in despair, barely choking hope from my drowning lungs.

I’ve held tightly to Joy and Peace

until my fingers bled from the grip of desperate survival.

And I will never let go.

I will never again sit silently

while my spirit extinguishes within my shackled bones.

“I wanna live!”, My soul screamed,

sparking flames from my final drop of sanity and last morsel of hope.

Burning no rage in my heart toward your shallow, evil existence,

but igniting fiery passion and fierce determination

to soar, thrive, and go on loving others deeply.

You’re no longer the ghost that haunts me,

no longer anything at all.

Only dead and gone. Only dead and gone.

🌹 Rozella 🌹

My grandmother’s name was Rosie; Her given name, Rozella, my namesake

I’ve had many profound moments in her absence that brought me instantly back to her

I’ve realized how she truly is so much of me and who I am as a woman

I miss her so much, especially as her birthday approaches and the holidays draw near

I wish so badly I could go back and do things differently, adore every part of her, deservedly

The first house I bought is across the street from where Grandma used to live

I remember sitting on the stoop after we moved in and just staring at her house in tears

I couldn’t believe all the places life had tossed and wrung me, here I was, so close again to her

I want to go back, I kept thinking – To Thanksgiving, to Christmas, to her love

I keep beautiful reminders of her all around me, to inhale her into my lungs

When I bought this house I also bought a cactus for the windowsill and named her Rosie

Not prickly, Grandma just always loved cacti so it reminded me of her and made her feel close

But every rose has its thorn, as Poison put it, and I’ve accepted that as the theme song of Me

My mom has always said I am prickly, I smile and think maybe it’s a maternal gene

The beautiful women I come from, my mom, her mom – I wonder in awe sometimes

Rosie was orphaned, abused, neglected, scared, courageous, strong, anxious, she had trauma

She went through so much so young, and did so much with her life to become who she was

I beg God she knows how much I love her, I pray she sees now how I adore her

I remember when she went crazy, I was a teen mom, reckless, off concerned with my own things

Grandma had lost the love of her life, her anchor, her everything, she lost her whole self

I want to run back into her warm embrace and tell stories and read books and go for drives

I see her in the nursing home after her stroke, paralyzed, mute, her eyes so longing for love

I dream of the possibility of time travel, I’d hop in the machine and come straight back to you

Grandma, Rozella, Rosie, My Love, I adore you! I’ve missed you! I love you so much!

I would bring gifts of beauty and smell goods and lotion to rub your hands and feet

I would bathe you, dress you, brush your hair, and kiss your forehead when I lay you to bed

I want to go camping with the whole damn family, the more the merrier, pile in the truck

The campfire, the Scotty, hiking, exploring, kids in trouble and running amuck

I’d bake whatever kind of cake you asked for, I’d put all the candles on it and sing so proud

I’d ask you to bake pies with me again and play cards or Chinese checkers, sing some more

I miss your voice, I want to know all the stories I never got to hear or were too painful to tell

I want to laugh again with the woman who tried so hard to bring others so much joy

I want to pour into you all the things you poured into your family – unconditional love

Steadfast in your support and dedication, I can see now how my perspective was skewed

I would give anything to have you show up at my house with your whole bunch of anxiety

Any hour, any day, I wish so badly that I could hold you and make you feel safe again

As you did for me, my children, mom, siblings, cousins, aunt, uncles, nieces and nephews

I would die to do it all over again, to care for her and never leave her alone and afraid

I can’t wait to see her in Heaven again and tell her how sorry I am that I wasn’t there with her

I didn’t understand your trauma, Grandma, I’m sorry I didn’t see, I was distracted and wrong

I know now you are more of me than I ever could have imagined, deep down in my soul

I see through your eyes with each panic attack, anxiety rollercoaster or manic depression

I feel everything you felt when you felt afraid, lost, alone, abandoned, crazy, and unloved

I scream inside my head that I’m not good enough and damnit why the hell am I even here

If I could give all I have to keep you from ever having felt that way, to give you peace, I would

Now I must live with you only in my heart, my dreams, my thoughts, my soul

I feel you always, rushing through my veins and I see you in the mirror staring back into me

And every moment you come near to me, I will breathe in deeply, becoming more and more of you

🌹 Rozella Jean 🌹

Fuck All The Perfect People

I also don’t give a fuck about all the perfect people.
Who care so much about me wearing a ring on my “wedding” finger!
Two actually!
Since you’re asking…
Guess who bought me the band on my finger?
Guess who the other one belonged to?!
The one that looks too tiny to be anything else but a keyring.
My Nana, Abigail.
I inherited it when she died.
I bought this band for myself in a souvenir shop in Texas for $10!
And I didn’t always wear it.
I didn’t always wear my Nana’s.
They were in my jewelry box.
Once upon a time, I did wear an engagement ring & a wedding band on THAT finger.
But that’s the only finger my band will fit on!
That’s the only finger my “keyring” will fit on!
So I didn’t start wearing THESE rings on THIS finger until I took the other ones off.
And I’ve tried to take these ones off.
To wear them on another finger.
I lost Nana’s once.
And then again.
I’ve lost it TWICE.
I once scraped the skin from my entire knuckle off because I had attempted to wear my band on another finger.
And my other finger didn’t heal for WEEKS.
To appease you conformist people.
But I can’t.
And what they mean to me.
And what they symbolize.
So, yeah…
I still wear a ring on my finger.
Two actually.
I often use them to tell assholes like you, I’M MARRIED.
And walk away!

Come Break Bread

I suffer from an eating disorder

And I don’t ever talk about it

Mostly because I do eat

I love food

I love all food

I binge eat in fact, often times

And normally I eat well and healthy

But I have self punishment mechanisms

I’ve only just recently admitted to

And I struggle to convince myself to self love

I don’t eat when I’m mad at myself

When I have un-forgiveness or anxiety

Sometimes I’m just nauseous and can’t

It’s a purging too, not always a punishment

Sometimes fasting helps me feel better

It’s humbling and grounding in a way

A tearing down, for a building back up

I’m trying to heal and be better

For myself, yes, but for my family, my sons

I am praying more, for Grace and guidance

We all suffer from deep depression

And self sabotage in one way or another

I also suffer from a sleeping disorder

From a childhood full of trauma

And a life living in addiction and sin

It’s not a glamorous thing, the truth

We all need help yet hide in shame

I’m learning though that in my weaknesses

Is where He is strong, my God

Thank you for Jesus, my Salvation

Come break bread with me, Brothers & Sisters

Come and let us eat

Perception Is Not Reality

How unsettling it is to think your perception is your reality of me

Must I even come to my own defense as if I owe you an explanation?

You asked me if I had slept with him – I barely even know you.

Obviously uncomfortable, I grimace while shaking my head, “No”…

“It’s okay, we were all teenagers once” – You add as if to remove the implied shame.

I wonder if I should tell you.

I wonder if you’ll ever know exactly how fucked up that question is.

He raped me when I was a teenager, still a minor child.

But it’s not really any of your business.

Or something I particularly care to revisit.

And I’m not sure you’d ever understand.

So I shake my head again, “No.”

And let it go.


So here’s to a good day today,

An even better tomorrow,

And an entirely beautiful life…

For the rest of our lives.

All the things which remind me of you,

May I be surrounded by them,

Should you ever not be beside me.

I will cherish every fiber of you,

Until I see you again –

I love you.


I love you –

Until I see you again,

I will cherish every fiber of you.

Should you ever not be beside me,

May I be surrounded by them,

All the things which remind me of you.

For the rest of our lives,

And an entirely beautiful life,

An even better tomorrow…

So here’s to a good day today.

I’m Fine, Everything’s Fine, I’ll Be Okay

Sometimes when I say, “I’m not feeling well”

It’s cause my heart begins racing with a single memory

It’s cause my blood pressure is spiking, my hands start to shake

It’s cause my soul is beginning to crush all over again

It’s cause I can feel the tears instantly emerge at the near breaking point

It’s cause I know once I start crying again I won’t be able to stop

It’s cause the last time I cried for 3 days and couldn’t open my puffy eyes for 3 more

It’s cause I get light headed and have trouble breathing when anxiety attacks

It’s cause I miss my best friend and waves of grief come unexpectedly to drown me

When I say, “I’m not feeling so well” and you outreach no hand to help me

It’s cause you think I mean a tummy ache, and surely, I am fine

And you’re right – I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’ll be okay – I’m just not feeling so well.