🌹 Rozella 🌹

My grandmother’s name was Rosie; Her given name, Rozella, my namesake

I’ve had many profound moments in her absence that brought me instantly back to her

I’ve realized how she truly is so much of me and who I am as a woman

I miss her so much, especially as her birthday approaches and the holidays draw near

I wish so badly I could go back and do things differently, adore every part of her, deservedly

The first house I bought is across the street from where Grandma used to live

I remember sitting on the stoop after we moved in and just staring at her house in tears

I couldn’t believe all the places life had tossed and wrung me, here I was, so close again to her

I want to go back, I kept thinking – To Thanksgiving, to Christmas, to her love

I keep beautiful reminders of her all around me, to inhale her into my lungs

When I bought this house I also bought a cactus for the windowsill and named her Rosie

Not prickly, Grandma just always loved cacti so it reminded me of her and made her feel close

But every rose has its thorn, as Poison put it, and I’ve accepted that as the theme song of Me

My mom has always said I am prickly, I smile and think maybe it’s a maternal gene

The beautiful women I come from, my mom, her mom – I wonder in awe sometimes

Rosie was orphaned, abused, neglected, scared, courageous, strong, anxious, she had trauma

She went through so much so young, and did so much with her life to become who she was

I beg God she knows how much I love her, I pray she sees now how I adore her

I remember when she went crazy, I was a teen mom, reckless, off concerned with my own things

Grandma had lost the love of her life, her anchor, her everything, she lost her whole self

I want to run back into her warm embrace and tell stories and read books and go for drives

I see her in the nursing home after her stroke, paralyzed, mute, her eyes so longing for love

I dream of the possibility of time travel, I’d hop in the machine and come straight back to you

Grandma, Rozella, Rosie, My Love, I adore you! I’ve missed you! I love you so much!

I would bring gifts of beauty and smell goods and lotion to rub your hands and feet

I would bathe you, dress you, brush your hair, and kiss your forehead when I lay you to bed

I want to go camping with the whole damn family, the more the merrier, pile in the truck

The campfire, the Scotty, hiking, exploring, kids in trouble and running amuck

I’d bake whatever kind of cake you asked for, I’d put all the candles on it and sing so proud

I’d ask you to bake pies with me again and play cards or Chinese checkers, sing some more

I miss your voice, I want to know all the stories I never got to hear or were too painful to tell

I want to laugh again with the woman who tried so hard to bring others so much joy

I want to pour into you all the things you poured into your family – unconditional love

Steadfast in your support and dedication, I can see now how my perspective was skewed

I would give anything to have you show up at my house with your whole bunch of anxiety

Any hour, any day, I wish so badly that I could hold you and make you feel safe again

As you did for me, my children, mom, siblings, cousins, aunt, uncles, nieces and nephews

I would die to do it all over again, to care for her and never leave her alone and afraid

I can’t wait to see her in Heaven again and tell her how sorry I am that I wasn’t there with her

I didn’t understand your trauma, Grandma, I’m sorry I didn’t see, I was distracted and wrong

I know now you are more of me than I ever could have imagined, deep down in my soul

I see through your eyes with each panic attack, anxiety rollercoaster or manic depression

I feel everything you felt when you felt afraid, lost, alone, abandoned, crazy, and unloved

I scream inside my head that I’m not good enough and damnit why the hell am I even here

If I could give all I have to keep you from ever having felt that way, to give you peace, I would

Now I must live with you only in my heart, my dreams, my thoughts, my soul

I feel you always, rushing through my veins and I see you in the mirror staring back into me

And every moment you come near to me, I will breathe in deeply, becoming more and more of you

🌹 Rozella Jean 🌹