Come Break Bread

I suffer from an eating disorder

And I don’t ever talk about it

Mostly because I do eat

I love food

I love all food

I binge eat in fact, often times

And normally I eat well and healthy

But I have self punishment mechanisms

I’ve only just recently admitted to

And I struggle to convince myself to self love

I don’t eat when I’m mad at myself

When I have un-forgiveness or anxiety

Sometimes I’m just nauseous and can’t

It’s a purging too, not always a punishment

Sometimes fasting helps me feel better

It’s humbling and grounding in a way

A tearing down, for a building back up

I’m trying to heal and be better

For myself, yes, but for my family, my sons

I am praying more, for Grace and guidance

We all suffer from deep depression

And self sabotage in one way or another

I also suffer from a sleeping disorder

From a childhood full of trauma

And a life living in addiction and sin

It’s not a glamorous thing, the truth

We all need help yet hide in shame

I’m learning though that in my weaknesses

Is where He is strong, my God

Thank you for Jesus, my Salvation

Come break bread with me, Brothers & Sisters

Come and let us eat

Perception Is Not Reality

How unsettling it is to think your perception is your reality of me

Must I even come to my own defense as if I owe you an explanation?

You asked me if I had slept with him – I barely even know you.

Obviously uncomfortable, I grimace while shaking my head, “No”…

“It’s okay, we were all teenagers once” – You add as if to remove the implied shame.

I wonder if I should tell you.

I wonder if you’ll ever know exactly how fucked up that question is.

He raped me when I was a teenager, still a minor child.

But it’s not really any of your business.

Or something I particularly care to revisit.

And I’m not sure you’d ever understand.

So I shake my head again, “No.”

And let it go.

⏪ZX⏩

So here’s to a good day today,

An even better tomorrow,

And an entirely beautiful life…

For the rest of our lives.

All the things which remind me of you,

May I be surrounded by them,

Should you ever not be beside me.

I will cherish every fiber of you,

Until I see you again –

I love you.

⏪XZ⏩

I love you –

Until I see you again,

I will cherish every fiber of you.

Should you ever not be beside me,

May I be surrounded by them,

All the things which remind me of you.

For the rest of our lives,

And an entirely beautiful life,

An even better tomorrow…

So here’s to a good day today.

I’m Fine, Everything’s Fine, I’ll Be Okay

Sometimes when I say, “I’m not feeling well”

It’s cause my heart begins racing with a single memory

It’s cause my blood pressure is spiking, my hands start to shake

It’s cause my soul is beginning to crush all over again

It’s cause I can feel the tears instantly emerge at the near breaking point

It’s cause I know once I start crying again I won’t be able to stop

It’s cause the last time I cried for 3 days and couldn’t open my puffy eyes for 3 more

It’s cause I get light headed and have trouble breathing when anxiety attacks

It’s cause I miss my best friend and waves of grief come unexpectedly to drown me

When I say, “I’m not feeling so well” and you outreach no hand to help me

It’s cause you think I mean a tummy ache, and surely, I am fine

And you’re right – I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’ll be okay – I’m just not feeling so well.

Tearful Thoughts

K: I just don’t know what to do sometimes…

It hurts so bad…

It’s like someone died, it really is…

He was my best friend.

… *Silent Tears* …

K: I’m afraid that I’ll always wonder why I wasn’t enough for him…

What is wrong with me?

BFF: Nothing is wrong with you…

Some people just use people…

It sucks.

K: It sucks so bad…

Cause to me…

It was Love.

… *Silent Tears* …

Numb

I poured cold water over myself in the shower and despite still felt numb

I wondered how it is that I’ve yet to cry over losing you

I wondered why tears weren’t streaming down my face like these drops of water

As the defeat of never being enough for you after all of these years came flooding back

I realized this must be what finally moving on feels like

You no longer own the places you occupy in my memories

Where you inevitably show up, your face, your name, us together

Although such a brief moment in this eternity

We packed the chapter of us with so much life and adventure

For so long I gave you all of me, every inch, every morsel, every fiber

And now I don’t even miss you anymore

These memories are mine, you can no longer rob me of them

Those places and moments – my laughter, my happiness, my joy

My huge, crushed and mended, brave heart still so full of love

They are not your souvenirs, they belong to me

Now looking back to the beginning and through our entire life together

I feel peaceful numbness where I once felt tremendous pain

I began mourning you the moment I fell in love with you

I lost you so many times, even before you ever left

#abortionisgenocide

I have zero photos of either of my sons in the womb

I was healthy and opted out of ultrasound

They were both born at home with our Midwife

Healthy, bouncing, baby boys, 9’10 and 8’8, no “drugs”

I was 16 and 21 years of age at their respective births

There is no question in truth, theory, science, my mind or my heart that abortion of babies is the genocide of children

Who’s unborn beating hearts have mouths still too tiny for breath to cry out

God knew you in the womb, you were named before you were born

And repentance is the exact reason Jesus died for our Salvation

Yet, we cannot continue in this and call ourselves worthy of His forgiveness

Abortion is genocide

Stop killing babies

Cherish Everything

Let me tell you about not sleeping and some life lessons I’ve learned.
I’ve suffered from insomnia for more of my life than I haven’t. Currently, I haven’t slept in 3 days. This often times last for weeks. I’ve gone months on end, it feels like years before.
It’s funny how your body continues to do functions when you get out of bed and go through another day meshed together with the last.
Your mental sharpness starts to go though. You can perform tasks like muscle memory – Go to work, take care of your family, do chores, run errands, but you start to forget or mix up your words, you become emotional or cry unreasonably, you have irrational fears or uncontrollable guilt, you stop smiling and being cheerful.
And then you can’t sleep some more. That’s just the beginning.
As you continually “float” each night, further and further into insomnia abyss, your physical functions start to go, along with the ability to focus – You get sick, unexplainable nausea, everything hurts, small amounts of anything cause really high highs and super low lows, blood pressure, blood sugar, dizziness, numbness, more irrational fear.
It’s insane what we go through even when running on a full tank of beauty sleep, let alone after years of this shit.
Guys, I have word dyslexia so bad during the day when I’m this tired. And it gets worse if the restlessness relents.
Floating – The place where insomniacs lie at night.
I do sleep… A little bit anyway. Mostly trial and error. I’m never comfortable. And my brain doesn’t know how to shut off.
The seldom hours of actual sleep is interrupted inevitably. And it’s always been this way.
It sounds strange, but I have gotten used to it. Not like I ever had a choice.
Melatonin helps. And there’s no doubt I could do a lot of things better to improve my quality of shut-eye. Maybe I’ll find a cure. Who knows?
Here’s what I’ve learned – Cherish everything – Your Loved Ones especially, your health, your time on this beautiful Earth, the warm place you sleep, the rest God gives you, His good Grace and Salvation, and every time you close your eyes and are blessed to open them again… Rejoice!
I hope you have a Good Night’s Rest, My Loves. Sleep Well. Cherish Everything.

Hello, Beautiful

To the girl I wish I’d met at the grocery store today

I was wearing jeans shorts, t-shirt and flip flops, my blonde hair curled and falling around my shoulders, sunglasses on my head

Between boys’ soccer practices, I saw you walking into Kroger

You were wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a fierce determination I could see even behind your oversized shades, your dark hair pulled back in a low pony

I could tell you knew exactly what you came here for, your speed walk was familiar

I watched you trip over your own feet in the middle of the main front entrance, recover, and keep walking like nothing happened

I wasn’t laughing at you, swear it was with you, it made my heart smile to see you

I followed behind you through the door, you didn’t get a cart even though you should’ve

You hung a left, likewise

Then a right, yep me too

I lost you, grabbed a handful of my list, arms too full, should’ve grabbed a cart

I chuckled when I passed you with your too many items to carry, and noticed none of them were the same as mine

That would’ve been too weird, I thought

I grabbed one last item and opted out of another

I didn’t see you on my way to the register, but I thought of you and wondered if I’d see you leaving

You have too much to do to fuck around

Get in, get your shit, get out

I speed walked to the check out and self scanned in a hurry

As I grabbed my bags and turned, you saw me powering toward the exit that I was about to beat you to

I smiled inside and out as you followed behind me out the door, shook my head and chuckled out loud

Cause I got it, whatever chaos you’re going through and how hard you fight to hold it all together

Yeah, I get it

And while thinking of how I wished I would’ve said hello to you, in the middle of the main exit, I tripped over my own feet, recovered, and kept walking like nothing happened

I hope you laughed when you saw me, as clumsy as you, not at me, but with me

Whatever it is that your going through, however busy you are, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 jobs, in the middle of a painfully ugly divorce, you’ve already washed dishes twice today, been to the store twice today, doctored a sick kid, spoken to lawyers, worked your ass off at your job, and your day is only half begun, only half over, pick up from practice, home for dinner and homework and showers, and more dishes and more laundry and attention deprived puppies, the morning will bring a repeat of the same, beginning with 3 alarms – one to snooze, one for me, one to wake up the boys for school, the fourth alarm is to leave the house for work, back to the grind tomorrow

You know I see you? And I know you’re sorry about all the things you’re not doing… Calling your friends enough, going to church enough, eating healthy enough, making enough money, spending enough time with family while you’re still blessed to have it, you worry about your babies, and being on time, and cooking dinner, and keeping all your shit together when it’s all falling apart

I see you, I think you’re amazing, “Hello, Beautiful.”