I can’t describe how hard I cried.

I sobbed.

I cried so hard and so much I physically couldn’t cry anymore.

And I couldn’t ever sleep again, I was certain.

All the others hated him…
For the way her eyes searched for his.
She was in love.
She didn’t even try to hide it.
They all knew, her heart would always be only his.
None of them blamed him for being so selfish.
Each of them loved her.
Every inch, every fiber.
He was only lucky enough…
To have her love him back.

I wondered how he knew I was awake.

Maybe he could hear it in the way I was breathing.

Maybe he could feel my eyes wide open, staring at the wall.

Maybe he just sensed that I was falling out of love with him.

I pretended to be asleep.

But I couldn’t sleep with him at all.

Everything hurts when your heart hurts.

I know how hard it is, beautiful girl.
I hope one day you wake up stronger than you were the night before.
I hope you wake up strong enough to finally say no to less than what you deserve.
I hope you feel it deep down in your bones.
I hope you know that your life will be different from that moment on.
You’re going to be okay!
I know for a fact you’ve survived worse.
Don’t ever forget…
When you are stuck between two things…
You are not stuck.
You always have another option.
Period.
The other option is neither one of those things.
It is choosing to walk away from both of them.
And knowing that no matter what happens…
They will never say, “She was not brave.”

****

You steal kisses from my lips.
Like souvenirs.
Of a new place you’re almost finished exploring.
How fond you are of our adventure, that you take pieces of me with you.
To remember me by.
A place you want to visit in your memories.
But not a place you want to stay.
Please stop.
Before there’s nothing beautiful left of me here.

I crawl into bed and wrap myself in the blankets.

They’re all I have to keep me warm when you’re not here.

I roll onto your side of the bed and bury my face into the sheets.

The unwashed sheets.

They smell like you.

This side of the bed smells like you.

It smells like the you that just made love to me.

Your exhausted sweat turned calm and cool by the dark silence…

And nothing else but our bodies touching.

My heart pounds with so much love it’s profusely thrusting fresh blood into my veins faster than I can even breathe.

I fall asleep with the memory of that feeling.

It’s disturbing how peaceful this kind of adrenaline feels.

I slept on your side of the bed.

Because it smells like you.

And you’re not here.

He LOOKED me in the eyes. And TEXT me.

“I love you”

I read his text. Turned my eyes directly back to his. Shook my head in amazement of the game he was playing.

And didn’t respond.

He knew I loved him. Without even having to ask.

He text, “I’m glad I came to see you”

I responded: “Stop.”

“I will always be happy to see you, but you will always leave.”

And. Then. I. Continued. To. Beg. Him.

And I think he knew I would never actually mean that I want things to be over.

Not now. Not ever. He knew it. And I knew it.

I guess every day I draw closer to believing that maybe someday, I really will be able to walk away.

And I feel like that is hope.

For me. For my one and only life. For my story.

I will. Someday. Be over this. This chapter of my life. This pain. This adventure. You.

And I will miss you entirely! And I know you’ll miss me too. Without even having to ask.

And I’ll remember you fondly. With a smile. And I’ll probably introduce you…

What do I call you? Who are you to me? Who were you? Who were we to each other?

A colleague? An aquantance? A lover? A best friend? A soul mate?

Who are you to me? Who am I to you? And what are we doing?

That’s all I’ve ever asked for. Is an answer to that question. And you won’t tell me.

And I just. Keep. Begging.

I want someone to memorize –

Every freckle.

Every birthmark.

Every stretch mark.

Every inch.

Of my body.

I want someone to love me –

That. Much.

The first time I met you, I knew you.

I knew you, like I knew how to breathe.