She was a lover of neither men nor women…

But rather a lover of souls…

She loved, and loved deeply, each person whose soul had touched her…

Whether incredibly intensely, or ever so brief and gently…

She fell intimately in love with everyone who had lent or given a piece of themselves to her…

She yearned not for the physical touch of others…

But for the closeness of hearts that loved her in return…

She saw not bodies, and had no shallow, false image of beauty…

But instead, when she looked into others’ eyes…

Filled with wonder and brokenness…

She saw breathtakingly beautiful hearts and souls…

She still cared deeply for those who had hurt her the most…

Because she saw people deserving of second chances, and forgiveness, and love…

She saw not human beings…

But angels who might save her spirit…

Or her theirs…

And she loved…

She loved each of them…

With ALL of her…

Y’all, I’m 28 years old…

This year, I will have a 13 year old…

28 – 13 = …

We can all do basic math…

I never talk about my teen pregnancy…

For the most part, I deliberately avoid the topic…

But for some reason, this year, going crazy thinking about ME having a 13 year old…

I’ve been reflecting a lot on where we started, how persistently hard I worked to give him everything in the world he would ever deserve…

I look back on how far we’ve come, all the travels and adventures we’ve experienced along the way…

Realizing how blessed I am for the endlessness of the one of a kind love I have for my first born son…

And knowing how absolutely, extremely, truly, incredibly amazing that kid is…

I, for the first time, thought about my teen pregnancy…

And was more proud of that than anything else I’ve ever done my entire life, or any other decision I’ve ever made…

Period.

I look at Isaiah…

And I couldn’t be more proud to be his Mom! 😍

I’m going to have to figure out how to stop loving you… And I hate that.

She asked me if I knew you…

And a million memories flashed before my eyes, through my brain, squeezing my heart, and lighting a fire in my soul…

All over again.

And then as quickly as it came, it was gone.

And I couldn’t say that I knew you, and I couldn’t say that I didn’t.

So without actually answering the question which had obliterated my complacent numbness, I put it the vaguest way that I knew how:

“It’s been a long time.”

It has been a long time; it’s been too long, my friend.

How could I even pretend that I don’t know you when I know everything?

How your nipples are always hard, how you skin is soft all over, how you always, always wear shorts. You have scars all over. You miss your mom every second of every day. You said you wished I could’ve met her – she would’ve loved me – and I wish that too. You pissed fire once, and I had cheese nipples, and that memory always makes me laugh.

Laughter’s why I fell in love with you.

Remember the time we laughed so hard I peed a little? Which made us laugh even harder. You said that was the moment you fell in love with me.

You used to drink to much, but you would always make it home. Except the one time that you didn’t, and I found you. I don’t know how and that doesn’t matter, because I will always find you.

She asked me if I knew you.

And I missed you with every single ounce of me, and with every drop of pain from the first goodbye…

All over again.

When they refuse to make a decision about your importance in their life…

Honey, they’ve already chosen.

I love you. I’ve never not loved you.
Since before my physical body ever touched yours.
Since before my heart fell so helplessly, unconditionally, and unhesitantly in love.
Since before our souls were timelessly and infinitely connected.
Since before I could have ever even imagined love, I loved you.
Since before God spoke the universe into existence, even then, my love, you were my stars.

He’s what puts a smile on my face

As tears fall from my eyes

My motivation for persistence

When I no longer want to try

*

He is the comfort that falls over me

When I’m uncertain or afraid

He’s the promise of a miracle

By a rainbow, after rain

*

He’s the hope and strength I grasp to

In moments of desperate weakness

He’s my reminder of Salvation

When I cry out for forgiveness

*

He’s the beauty seen through blindness

He’s my voice when I can’t speak

He’s proof that there’s still innocence

He’s everything good in me

*

He’s an angel in this world that’s been

Stripped of everything divine

A little child shall lead them

This little child of mine

Happiness; it’s what we search for in every aspect of our lives

We work for it, hurt for, love for it, break down when we lose the fight for it

People can’t let you just be happy

They wreck you, try to control you, steal it from you, and cheat you out of your victory

When we find it, it’s only temporary, for permanent happiness is too good to be true

It hides behind lies, it dwells in the truth, it’s found under, over, beside, and behind every turn, every corner of life… But never completely captured

Happiness is the laughter when you don’t even want to smile

We know it’s true when without it we’re never content

It’s real when it hurts so bad to lose it that we’d rather not go on living if we can’t have it back

We’d fight and we’d lie all the way through our lives, just for a small, sweet taste of it

A chance in a million is worth these millions of tears

Am I allowed never to be happy in my pursuit of happiness?

I made love to you this morning.

You didn’t know it, because it was only in my dreams.

But it wasn’t just sex this time.

Not like all the times I fantasized about you before.

It’s the first time you called me Baby.

And while trying to shove into oblivion, “feelings”, I couldn’t contain, poured out of me…

We had boundaries, to keep us safe – Gone.

We had rules – one word, they’re shattered.

Promised I wouldn’t love you – I’ve changed my mind now.

It all means more now.

“Hey baby” = “I love you”.

“Good morning baby” = “I love you”.

“Sweet dreams baby” = “I love you”.

“I miss you baby” means, “I love you”.

You can’t have it both ways:

(1) call me baby and beautiful, tell me you miss me, and have feelings for each other, but…

(2) we’re still nothing, it’s meaningless, that’s bullshit.

I never lost sleep over you before.

Now I lie awake for hours with my torturous wondering.

Until finally submitting to sweet haunting dreams of you.

Why did you have to call me that, Baby?

I was always honest…

Even if I was never anything else to you at all.